Month / January 2024

by Josef Alton

4 am

A limit has never been an external concept for me, rather a limit is dependent upon a range of subjective factors contingent on how far I want to press the line between rationality and irrationality. Losing control reminds me of my youth, perhaps because I never had it, or I never knew what to do with it when it was on my lap. It is odd, now that I’m more or less a stable adult, how hard it is to watch some of my students lose control.

It’s remarkable how exceptional I think I am when it comes to navigating dangerous territory. This has nothing to do with my treatment of others, rather how I want to live without hands. When I was faced with a student the other day who did not want to live, and who’s silence proved their point, the blending of the rational and irrational terrified me, and I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to take over the controls and plunge us into the deep and dark waters of timelessness. I’ve learned that forgetting time makes it easier to be. But to be handless in a submarine…

That they wanted to only talk to me fed my ego, yet left me an imposter. Who really am I to help? I, the one who has been broken and repaired so many times that my identity is plural. I, the one of many masks, both civilized and contrived. We, both the I of my self talk and the me, the listener inside.

“Do not die, I swear to you, do not die because tragedy will become a friend and you will learn how to harden. It will become old hat, but be warned, you will miss the intensity of youth.”

To be ridged like scar tissue and ask of my students to be mailable as water is a form of self-talk long gone from my internal set of tools and a concept I use to obfuscate the truth that I have no answers to make this world make sense. It is worth living long enough to realize this is a comedy.

“Do not die, live! Live, because you’re almost at the best part, the part that will split your consciousness into water and oil.”

Shake up your mind, and for better or worse, watch your heavy memories shape your actions as you stand by, powerless to subvert your unconscious behavior. The best you can do is keep your eyes open and watch them rise, to collect at the top and unify into one imperfect self who deserves to be.

Sometimes it is better to stay awake in the dead of night.

by Josef Alton

It can be like Life

Brackenridge Varsity girls’ tournament season comes to a close. The three words that come to mind to explain our progress is commitment, mindset, and patience. Most of our players don’t have a history playing club soccer so we’ve been working double time to acquire new skills to improve upon our performance from last year. It’s a tall order but the team has shown unwavering commitment to reach the next level and compete. I’ve been surprised by their ability to keep fighting, even when they’re frustrated and feel like all is lost.

It takes patience to wait for the results you want immediately, especially when your pride and reputation are perceived to be on the line. We’ve had our fair share of disappointment and growing pains the past two weeks. However, how are we to succeed if we don’t face periods of adversity? Unfortunately, getting beat has always been a part of the process of winning.

I see great signs of future success emerging on the field. I know it’s hard for our players to see, but the plan has always been to ‘click’ and show our mettle when it matters the most. I believe we’re on track to deliver when it counts and maintain our consistency on the field through the course of district competition.

It has been a true honor to be part of this process with such a fantastic group of players and coaches. Things always take longer to come together than anticipated; this is a law of living I’ve come to realize through experience. That you can achieve anything if you don’t give up is also a principle I very much hold to be true. Our time is sure to arrive.

Coaching is an important part of my life and in ways I cannot completely articulate yet. All I know is that I come home feeling like I’m doing something meaningful and that makes me feel valuable. as I’ve gotten older and comfortable with my life the urge to help others has become the most important thing in my life.